Let me give you the 30 second tour of the last few years…
Life got stagnant for the better part of 2013, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels every day and I didn’t know how to stop. Later that year got a little crazy, as I started having random panic attacks. I talked to my mother, I talked to my sister, I talked to my friends and I finally came to the realization that I wasn’t alone with this issue…that it was time to do something about the social anxiety that had plagued me my whole life, that I didn’t talk about, that I just quietly dealt with. So I talked to my doctor and got the help I needed. And, hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had done this YEARS ago! It started changing my life. I felt more focused, more confident. It was like a whole new world had unfolded before my eyes.
And just as I was starting to feel better about myself, my mood, my outlook on life, devastation hit. I lost my brother to suicide a week before Christmas and for almost two months, I was a zombie. I slept a lot, I cried a lot, I didn’t eat much and I lay on the couch watching countless hours of mind-numbing television…but I couldn’t tell you what I watched. I was living inside my head and running the gamut of emotions from sadness to anger to depression, back to anger. When I had to go back to work in January of 2014, I put on a brave face by day, but came home exhausted and slept on the couch for the better part of the evening, before stumbling upstairs to bed. In February, I woke up on the couch one morning, having not moved all night, to the sound of my brother’s voice in my head saying, “Get up, ya Sally! Don’t waste your life!” (calling someone a Sally was one of his terms of endearment – he didn’t suffer sissies, especially when he knew you weren’t giving something your all). His voice flipped a switch inside me. It was time to wake up from this stupor. I needed to start living again. I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to die alone, regretting the life I hadn’t lived to its fullest. I wanted a family. I wanted a purpose. I wanted meaning in my life, not just endless days of spinning my wheels. So I checked my “independent woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her, define her or justify her existence” attitude at the door and started dating again.
It was difficult! I was so used to being on my own, by this time, that the thought of putting myself out there was scary. I was trying very hard to be realistic, especially with what I was looking for in a partner. Luckily, I had a friend who was recently divorced and had already been navigating the dating pool ahead of me. She was my self-help guru and sounding board...and thank god for her! She was a wealth of knowledge, experience and advice. She made me aware of the frogs in the pool and especially the sharks! Luckily there were no sharks, but there were a few frogs in that dating pool and yes, I kissed a few hoping they’d turn into princes, but alas they remained frogs. Then one day, as I was beginning to think that being single and alone wasn’t so bad after all, Old Blues Eyes started chatting me up (no, not Frank Sinatra!). Old Blue Eyes (Nick to his friends…Michigan to me) was fun; he was interesting; we had tons in common; he got my obscure TV, movie and cartoon references. And man, did he ever make me laugh! We met up for lunch one Sunday and that was it. I knew I was done dating. I found a prince amid the frogs! He blew every preconceived notion I had about love out of the water and within two weeks, he moved in…with a 6 year old, autistic daughter and a 100 lb yellow lab in tow. Now for me, this was huge! I’ve always tsk-tsk’ed others for getting too involved before you actually get to know a person, and here I was making space in my tiny half of a duplex for a ready-made family. I looked for the red flags, the flashing neon signs that he and I had moved WAY too fast. But with every test we faced in this budding relationship, there were no red flags. We fit so well together; we often knew what the other was thinking and could anticipate each others needs and wants quickly. Our goals in life aligned. Our ability to work on projects together so easily and without argument surprised me. And I began to realize just what I had been missing in my life. He didn’t define me, he complimented the independent person that I was. We took care of each other, physically and emotionally. I finally felt that I had stopped spinning my wheels.
The ready-made family aspect was a challenge for me. I didn’t have children of my own, never lived with children (other than visits with my nephew and niece) and had no knowledge of what living with an autistic child would mean…even if it was only on the weekends. But I read as much as I could, I paid attention to Ellie, to her behavioral patterns, and how she learned. This was an eye-opening experience for me. Could I be a disciplinarian? Did I have the patience needed for her? Ellie already had a mother, how would she view me…this stranger who suddenly took up residence in her and her father’s lives? Could I be a mother figure? All these questions swirled in my head and there were many moments where I feared this little girl. Did she like me, did she not like me? Was I making her life better or worse? But what I learned was that through these challenges, there was always successes. I developed patience that never existed before. I was seeing things with new eyes. Ellie was making me a better person. She taught me more about myself in the first few months that we lived together than I had learned in the last several years! I embraced my role in her life, developing mama bear instincts within me that I didn’t know I had. :^) And I finally understood the joy that many of my friends felt at the prospect of going home after a long day to their families.
In July of 2015, after a year and five days together, Nick and I got married. I wake up each day, viewing it as a true blessing. I used to fill my days and nights with endless projects and hobbies, because that’s all I had. Now, my greatest joy is to just be with Nick and Ellie, hanging out, having a lazy day. These two have given my life meaning and fulfilled my wish for a family of my own. They are my family now and I couldn’t be more grateful! We’re hoping that we can expand our little family, in the near future. It’s one of our goals, as well as developing our homestead.
And that, my friends, brings you up to speed on my life.
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